I remember being devastated, enraged and drowning in survivor’s guilt. I wasn’t inside the crowded McDonald’s with my closest friends, where she had asked me to meet her. I wasn’t running for the exit with my closest friends, dodging the array of shots fired from a 9-millimeter semiautomatic handgun. I didn’t have time to process or even mourn properly with my friends at the memorial because I was headed back to college the following day. I had no other time or resources to get back to school, so I had to leave…and that 8 1/2 hour drive from Brooklyn, NY to deep in the woods of Virginia felt like… f o r e v e r.
I remember being on the phone with my boyfriend that night as I rededicated my life to Christ. No I wasn’t at a church. I was home sitting on our dining room floor. I remember crying and crying out to God (There’s a difference). Being afraid to live was not an issue at that time butbeing afraid to die was. I wasn’t sure that I was ready. I prayed a prayer of rededication to the Lord, just so I can be sure…that I was sure.
Again, to each his own.
Yet I have lived many a day since then beneath my privilege as a King’s kid inundated with the opinions of others swarming around me under the guise of noisome pestilence. Encouraging others that theycan make it while hearing crickets when it came time for me to shine. After all who encourages the encouragers?
That was until….
I discovered 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 and by the grace of God I’ll be riding this thing until the wheels fall off:
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.
What a relief…
God Himself supernaturally encourages and comforts me as I comfort others.
Such as I have. I give unto you.
I open this safe space for dialogue.
I am not clinically trained to address any suppressed emotions or memories that this post may trigger but I can provide a safe space for dialogue.
Though I love the Lord my God with all my strength and with all my soul with all my might…I don’t have all the answers. But, I can provide a safe space for dialogue.
Though I’m too legalistic for the liberal and too liberal for the legalistic.
Though I’m too sensual for the prudish and too reserved for the unbridled.
Though I’m too outspoken for the demure and too obscure for the rash.
Though I’m too churchy for the worldly and too worldly for the churchy and…
…WAY too polite to tell them ALL where they can GO FILE THEIR TAXES...
(Ladylike sigh) It’s breathtaking to be accepted by God just as I am. Just as we are. He loves us too much to ever leave us in the condition He found us in.
I’ve decided being afraid to live is NO way to live! What are you waiting for?
Write that book, write that song, start that blog, launch that business, make that phone call, offer that apology, give that hug!
Oh and you know what?
It feels amazing being authentically me here at authenticitee…and you’re more than welcome to do the same.
Like I said yesterday….