Thought about you today.
Yeah…no different than any other day.
You stay with me.
Like white on rice.
Coating my mind like morning dew.
It is what it is…I miss you.
I miss you but at times I can’t help but wonder why I do.
I walked away empty and empty handed.
Our puzzle incomplete. You took everything I gave you but stole nothing but my heart.
In return you gave just enough to regulate the rhythm of our irregular beat.
It’s not your fault, I taught you how to love me.
You never harmed me. Never hurt me. Never said an ill word. Not once.
Inspired me to breathe again. Signed every permission slip releasing me to be me.
Your smile always on stand by and quick wit ready to respond.
Your not blowing smoke became a smokescreen.
You gave me what you could but what you didn’t give I took as 2 fish and 5 loaves and multiplied what was never there.
I said you weren’t ready. I was wrong. You were ready.
But not once…
Not once did you ask me how my day was or if I got home safe. I left clues behind like rose petals down a winding trail inviting you into my space. Letting you know I wanted you there. Sparking fiery dialogue where the embers never caught flame. Every single question you asked, somehow benefited you.
Withdrawal after withdrawal after withdrawal. My emotional bank account operated in the red but I overcompensated to make sure that it never closed. You stepping up to the counter sporadically, only to check the balance.
We should’ve never been a joint account.
It’s not your fault though, I taught you how to love me.
Your indifference resulted in injury.
Your inability to give time coupled with our lack of exclusivity.
My aloof dancing with the stars ever so blissfully.
Feet in denial…never touching the ground
Any step toward you now rendered a liability.
The thought of what it could’ve been and what it actually was…differed greatly.
So the lesson learned?
So you could have a spot
Though it was marked reserved
Existing coals were no longer hot
You reminded me of who I was
Didn’t realize I had forgot
I taught you how to love me…
That’s why you loved me not.
© Ericka Arthur and authenticitee, 2015
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