I’m very angry right now. I’m frowning and I feel some type of way. Yep. On a Sunday. Imagine that? My jaws are tight and my chest is swole. I’m salty yo. All urban vernacular for the pissiest levels of pistivity.
I’m mad at how bad people are hurting right now and how much damage well meaning, satanically energized nouns have served as catalysts to hurt people.
I’m mad at the Saul in the Paul in me that has been a contributing factor to hurting people in a churchy way in times past. Though I have since learned to love correctly in a kingdom way and do so (on most days) because life has a way of leveling the playing field, I humbly admit in some cases it’s too little to late.
I’m mad at canned responses we are conditioned to give grieving people who are overwhelmed with sorrow.
As a woman of faith and a woman of color, I’m angry that there are so many hurting, suicidal people in my community, who don’t get help because we are trained to suffer in silence.
I’m angry that I am better at taking care of others than I am at taking care of myself. I hate that. I’m angry at myself for that. I’m angry that on some days, I’ve begun to look like what I’ve been through. That those who have treated me like s••• while I sacrificed life and limb for them, look like a million bucks and I look like death warmed over.
I hate that my health along with others have betrayed me. My body has served notice, a cease and desist letter that it must stop. NOW. I’m mad that I’ve had to learn the hard way that self care is not selfish.
I’ve finally accepted my personal responsibility and challenge of self care. No blame shifting. No complaining about being denied taffy at age 5 (though I wasn’t). Life happens to us all.
There I said it.
Which is why I can’t help but care so deeply for you. You my readers, ghost followers, incognito, incognegro or otherwise and actual subscribers. I care about your health; emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually, financially….
It’s like the parent or caregiver who will go without to make sure their children have. I’m the one who says, “You can mess with me, but don’t you mess with my family.” Well…that’s how I feel about you.
Yeah I done been through HELL…and it’s finally taken its toll. Some of its natural wear and tear, some of it repercussions (folk don’t like to admit that they reap what they sow when it’s their turn. Oh it got real quiet…) and some of it? Well I actually do believe in God ordained wildernesses. And before you prepare to blaspheme God in this space, please be advised, in spite of it all, I still believe God is good.
That being said.. I hate to see YOU hurting.
I don’t have all the answers. Am not in the mood to or in need of being pacified nor coddled by those immersed in mundane rehearsed worship. Save it. I don’t have the interest nor the energy to pretend I do. I just have tons of love, compassion and genuine concern. I love people. I love going to church. I love church AND the Body of Christ. Selah.
Answers? No. Love and compassion? Now that? Yes. That I have.
So I lay aside every sin. Every weight. Lay it all; anger, bitterness, frustration and uncertainty at the feet of my Savior, Jesus who I believe is the Christ.
I stop and pause. Not for effect, poetic license or the applause of men but relish in the moment of what this unadulterated freedom felt like. What it felt like to write from my heart, without fear of judgment, without caring about the opinion of others or bracing myself for politically correct, religious, opinionated feedback. On my blog. Wow. I am humbled by that. Genuinely. I would never have had the privilege of connecting with you had I not had a blog. I am overwhelmed at this moment with gratitude. Thank you Lord for authenticitee. It’s only a year old. Bless this space. From love poetry to interviews. May it always inspire others in some way to want to live.
And to you reading this right now…
I speak peace over you. It’s gonna be alright Darlin’…you’ll see. Follow what feeds you. Do nothin’ outta obligation…including me.
Love you to LIFE🌹e
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Photo Credit. Post display pic Record Player Background image and all others Pinterest. Quote on Record Player by Ericka Arthur for @authenticiteespeaks on Instagram