I AM STILL NOT READY TO WRITE ABOUT YOU JAY…
Nor am I ready to delete your last voicemail message…nope, not ready. Not ready because I only save the messages I want to remember forever. Things I want to remember forever…just like you.
So what have I been up to since we last spoke? Hmm let’s see…trying not to dart in and out of traffic on this untethered road called Transition….
God. Has this really been sitting in my drafts for two months now? I had it all ready to go along with screenshots of the last time you left a voicemail. Huh? I know, I know Jay…I just couldn’t concentrate man. Enough about me. Why are you gone?
What?! Omgoodness put that down!! LOL! Whateva man I don’t know why I saved these screenshots of your last email and last voicemail; with a red arrow pointing at your name?! Like Really?!
Looking back on it now it seems pretty over the top and obnoxious. Like I had to prove to the nosy and the noisy that what we had was real…pure…and consistent. Damn it Jay I miss you and this ish HURTS!!! I don’t know. Maybe I feel guilty about the High School Reunion Gospel Choir Recording idea you had worked so hard on, never coming to fruition. You mentioned it every single time we corresponded or spoke. But I was always lacking the time and/or resources to make the trip back home to Brooklyn; or in your latter years, to Maryland or New Jersey. Then after doing much research you said, “No worries, there’s a special mic everyone can purchase, record their own vocals, email me the files and I’ll mix the project that way!” You were such a genius. A witty, kind and hilarious genius. My homeboy. God, I miss you so.
Maybe its not guilt, maybe its anger or even regret. It can’t be sadness though right? Nah because we’re not allowed to feel that and if we do; only but for a moment, right? Well whatever it is, I feel it all because I still can’t write about you Jay. God knows I have been trying. ‘Cause that’s what we do right? Us, creatives like you and I…me and you. Yeah we create the pain away. Throw it into heart wrenching poetry, passionate lyrics and music. Lots of music.
I remember when you started blogging in this very community. The SoundSuite Studio blog was a true reflection of your heart’s desire to help others enhance their studio experience. We miss you in this space too.
Jay, can we overspiritualize procrastination? ‘Cause I would hate to think that was a factor or even the reason, so much of what I intended to say before now remained in cluttered and fragmented thoughts that never even made it to the Drafts section.
Well that’s it for now. Besides my Mommy, you’re still the only one that calls me by my Rap name. I’d give anything to hear it now…considering I’m still not ready to write about you Jay. I love you. Save a spot in the choir stand for me up there, ok?
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Photo Credits Ericka Arthur for authenticitee speaks