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I AM STILL NOT READY TO WRITE ABOUT YOU JAY…

 

Nor am I ready to delete your last voicemail message…nope, not ready. Not ready because I only save the messages I want to remember forever. Things I want to remember forever…just like you.

So what have I been up to since we last spoke? Hmm let’s see…trying not to dart in and out of traffic on this untethered road called Transition….

God. Has this really been sitting in my drafts for two months now? I had it all ready to go along with screenshots of the last time you left a voicemail. Huh? I know, I know Jay…I just couldn’t concentrate man. Enough about me. Why are you gone?

What?! Omgoodness put that down!!  LOL! Whateva man I don’t know why I saved these screenshots of your last email and last voicemail; with a red arrow pointing at your name?! Like Really?!

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Looking back on it now it seems pretty over the top and obnoxious. Like I had to prove to the nosy and the noisy that what we had was real…pure…and consistent. Damn it Jay I miss you and this ish HURTS!!! I don’t know. Maybe I feel guilty about the High School Reunion Gospel Choir Recording idea you had worked so hard on, never coming to fruition. You mentioned it every single time we corresponded or spoke. But I was always lacking the time and/or resources to make the trip back home to Brooklyn; or in your latter years, to Maryland or New Jersey. Then after doing much research you said, “No worries, there’s a special mic everyone can purchase, record their own vocals, email me the files and I’ll mix the project that way!” You were such a genius. A witty, kind and hilarious genius. My homeboy. God, I miss you so.

Maybe its not guilt, maybe its anger or even regret. It can’t be sadness though right? Nah because we’re not allowed to feel that and if we do; only but for a moment, right? Well whatever it is, I feel it all because I still can’t write about you Jay. God knows I have been trying. ‘Cause that’s what we do right? Us, creatives like you and I…me and you. Yeah we create the pain away. Throw it into heart wrenching poetry, passionate lyrics and music. Lots of music.

I remember when you started blogging in this very community. The SoundSuite Studio blog was a true reflection of your heart’s desire to help others enhance their studio experience. We miss you in this space too.

Jay, can we overspiritualize procrastination? ‘Cause I would hate to think that was a factor or even the reason, so much of what I intended to say before now remained in cluttered and fragmented thoughts that never even made it to the Drafts section.

Well that’s it for now. Besides my Mommy, you’re still the only one that calls me by my Rap name. I’d give anything to hear it now…considering I’m still not ready to write about you Jay. I love you. Save a spot in the choir stand for me up there, ok?

 

Peace,

e

 

 

© Ericka Arthur and authenticitee speaks, 2015, 2016, 2017 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Ericka Arthur and authenticitee speaks with appropriate and specific direction to the original content
Photo Credits Ericka Arthur for authenticitee speaks

 

 

 

 

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Uncut Video Below: Be encouraged & PLEASE encourage another!!!

Happy Mother’s Day! I love you Mommy! Thank you for your incredible support of every facet of who I am, strive to be and never want to be again!


WHEN MOTHER’S DAY ISN’T SO HAPPY

Background song via B Slade – God Has Not Forgot – NO copyright infringement intended. Much love & welcome new faces💫e
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© Ericka Arthur and authenticitee speaks, 2015, 2016, 2017. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Ericka Arthur and authenticitee speaks with appropriate and specific direction to the original content

Photo Credits Google Images. No copyright kinfringement intended. 
Video: Ericka “e” Arthur for Authenticitee Speaks

I’ve been quiet. Very quiet. 

Love poems have been my therapeutic weapon of choice on Instagram and I’ve been writing with a fierce vengeance. See I’ve been circling this space called authenticiteespeaks.com for some time now, looking for a place to land. Taxiing if you will; just like the airplane I was on. There’s a different, intimate vulnerability I’ve cultivated here. One I wasn’t ready to return to. So I said nothing. 

It wasn’t my first time on an airplane. It had just been awhile. I wished my camera phone could capture everything I saw. Better yet, everything I felt.

I had just left home. Brooklyn NY that is. A trip to the East Coast I had been wanting to make for some time now; but not like this.


The view from the rear of the limousine following the hearse carrying my grandfather’s casket was somber and surreal. So I said nothing. Squeezing the hand of his daughter, my mother who lost him on her birthday. A widow for over 30 years, who was raised as an only child, tightly closed her tear drenched eyes in search of answers; so I said nothing.

The polite banter of others taking the hour and 1/2 ride to the National Cemetery with us gently competed with the rain against the window and Mommy’s sobbing. So I said nothing. It was very difficult when her mother, my Grandma and our pillar died unexpectedly. We were broken and numb that December day in 1998 when we made that same drive cushioned between dirty pillows of NYC snowdrifts in lieu of rain.

I’d not seen Grandma since that day. Pop Pop, my grandfather a WWII Veteran was getting ready to be laid to rest next to her. Resting together again. Sssshh…both of my grandparents were now sleeping and I dare not awaken lovers a slumber.

So I said nothing.


Sunrise December 18, 1920 – Sunset April 30, 2016

© Ericka Arthur and authenticitee speaks, 2015, 2016 Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Ericka Arthur and authenticitee speaks with appropriate and specific direction to the original content
Photo Credits Ericka Arthur for authenticitee speaks